5.14.2007

Iz Nice!!

So, Borat just sent me a message on MySpace.

hi ,how are u doing , hope 'll god, u are nice sweetie lady cute and lovely , hope can see u soon , im algerien yang , in south . i wiches to be freind to u , and schenge pan pal or mails , also if u minde to take trip in our contrey u are welcom to , realy , i dream to contact personne like , i feel u are cute lovely persenne with sance of humour , kisses bby , sencerly ; azddine

This cannot be for real, right? I mean, even his profile is Borat-like.

If it is real, then I have no words. Okay, I actually have ten: I really wish people would learn how to use spellcheck.

4.16.2007

Unsigned Contract Not Valid After 30 Days

I’ve had a lot of weird messages, but never before have I had someone propose that we discuss our future marriage and soulmate-ship. Then, Mr. Gentle came along.

Hiii Dear, I hope you are doing fine, if you like to be friends plsss keep in touch, you can add me to your [INSTANT MESSAGING PROGRAM] my email is: Mr_Gentle69@xx.com.. I'm looking to have a dating and have a serious relationship, if you are interested you can call me on my mobile to discuss : #######. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care have a nice day. Mr_Gentle

Seriously, I could not make this up if I tried.

How would a conversation like that go? Would there be policies? Guidelines? Would we negotiate how many children we’d have? Would we figure out if he would be okay with making more money than him (because, lets face it, if he is looking for a Serious Relationship via MySpace, he probably isn’t a catch)? Like, what is to discuss? DOWRY? Oh my god, does he want to BUY me? In that case, shouldn’t he be asking to speak to my father?
Can I just say how tempting it is to call him? What an awesome conversation that would be.

Me: Hi, I’m calling to speak to Mr. Gentle about the proposed dating and/or serious relationship.
Mr. Gentle: R U Hott?*
Me: Sure, why not?
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, do u kooc?
Me: Yes, but I can’t microwave for shit.
Mr. Gentle: Dats ok. Do u klean?
Me: No.
Mr. Gentle: Ohhh… big broblem.
Me: Not really, we can hire a maid.
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, good point. OK, lets date.
Me: Not so fast. I need a contract, in writing, regarding the terms and conditions and the guidelines for marriage including, but not limited to, what kind of BMW you will buy me, how many children we will have (that is to say, NONE), and how often you will be allowed to speak.
Mr. Gentle: (brain explodes from big words)


Also, what’s with the name? Mr. Gentle? Like… gentle HOW? As in, you don’t beat people up or as in you are sensitive and are one of those people that cried at Titanic (even though that was the dumbest movie ever and what REALLY needed to be done was Leo and Kate BOTH needed to be killed off by Billy Zane because they were really annoying)?


Hey, I do have to give him credit though. At least he’s upfront about what he wants. Too bad what HE wants is me, and what I want is for him to leave me alone.


* Because you KNOW he’d speak like that.

4.12.2007

I Love My Dead Ex Wife

After a much needed hiatus (aka: I got a job and ran out of hours in the day), I'm back with a brand new Weirdo of the Week.

Meet Richard.


Hello Angel, You look so pretty just like an angel as well as a queen and i will like to get to know u as well, i'm Richard by name is just that i really love ur pic and have been looking for an honest lady like my ex dead wife who die in a car accident, since the day she had leave me alone i don't feel like having any other woman but now i realise that i really need to have a woman that i can share my feeling with like my ex wife(make soul rest in peace) And that was when a friend of mine introduce me to this site maybe i can be a lucky man. Now when i was browsing trough profile i saw urs then it took my attension i can't just your pic out of my face so i decide to send you this mail cos i really wanna get to know you better. pls i will be waiting for your reply Here is my address on [IM program]...u can add me up in your list....Richardwsd0071@xxxxx.com.

Time for the breakdown.
1. I look so pretty. Like an Angel. AND a Queen. It's like he bought the Big Book of Beautiful Clich├ęs and decided to hit me with a double whammy, hoping I'd swoon from all the compliment.
2. He "will like to get to know [me] as well". As well as who? And he WILL like to get to know me? I hate people who can't speak English.
3. Richard by name, he says. What does that even mean? Does he have another name for his soul? Is he Richard by name, but he'd prefer to be represented by a symbol (like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince)?
3. I seriously can't go into the whole dead wife story without bursting into hysterical laughter. I mean, his wife died you guys! And then he couldn't handle it, until his friend introduced him to MySpace. And then he found me! The luckiest girl alive. I don't get it though – was this his dead WIFE? Or like, they got divorced and she abandoned him and then died and there doubly abandoned him? Either way, this isn't a Lifetime Movie of the Week, so please move along.
4. His default photo is the man that is supposedly him SHIRTLESS HOLDING A CHIHUAHUA. It's honestly like those posters that 18-year-olds buy their first week of college at the vendor fairs and hang on their dorm room wall, that they stare at every night hoping that they will meet a guy just like that, naked and holding a dog, in their biochemistry class.
I hope Richard (by name) can find someone wonderful on MySpace. If not, at least he has the dog.

2.04.2007

I Can Be Your Facebook Stalker

These are my Weirdos. This time, they're singing.

1.24.2007

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson (Part One)

In early October, 2006 I spent a week in New York City, hanging out with Jessica and watching her drink away our cab money at various locations throughout the city. While there, we took a pedi-cab ride across town, and as we were precariously perched on the back of this rickety basket, our pedi-cab driver proceeded to ask Jessica if she had a savior. I, of course, found this hysterical. I had never been solicited by a crazy religious freak, and I always find it amusing when someone else is.

Rayyan is my MySpace version of Pedi-Cab "Do You Have A Savior" Driver.

It started somewhat innocently enough. I got a message from him three days ago, saying:

you are soo screwed.. and fake.

I don't usually respond to the weird messages I get, but every once in awhile I get a message that is just begging to be responded to. This was one of them. With Anne's helped, I drafted and sent a note back:

oh man, you got me.

i am fake. your message totally opened my eyes to this, and i've now realized the error of my ways.

the question: how do i fix this? lead me, oh great, real, authentic one. what must i do now? show me the way.

i am eagerly awaiting your guidance.

Today, Rayyan shared his wisdom with me.

Though, after reading the message, I realized that it wasn't so much wisdom as he was in dire need for a psychiatrist.

I am sent to you through a friend of yours....I am Christian and I am not asking you to become Christian. I assume that your Religion is Islam...I am asking you to return to Islam. My Priest at the Church I belong to had become Muslim years ago...you guys have a Beautiful religion. but you don't know the value of this religion. I want to tell you that you killed me with your kindness and I am sure that you know where the right way is. I want to become Muslim but I can't my family is very religious....If they know that they will not be happy and it is not a good thing to make them unhappy. I was looking at your profile and saw that you live a fake life..full of non sense things,,I don't mean to offend you..I was sent to you by someone who loves you.
I am a handsome man all girls say that I don't care about it...I dp care more about the inside... If you wanna see me I can add you. I hope you have a nice day Lady Deena..

Rayyan
Chicago

A few things:

a) When you assume, you make an ass out of "u" and "me". Except this time, you're making an ass out of yourself. Don't assume anything about my religion, thanks.

b) I "killed [you] with [my] kindness"? But then he later on goes to say that I live a very fake life. The mixed messages are kind of horrifying. I'm still trying to figure out how I killed him with my kindness. Did he think my message to him was sincere? I think I need a sarcasm icon.

c) I really just adore how this note goes from preaching to me about the wonders of religion to talking about how he's so handsome (all the girls say so!) and that he cares more about what's on the inside. Who cares?

d) His profile says he's from Washington State, yet he claims he's from Chicago. Maybe he's got a few different personalities.

I know it's probably stroking the Crazy Flames, but I did write him back:

Is the "someone who loves me" Jesus? Or is it Mohammad? It must be Jesus, he loves me more than I will know, according to the Beatles.

Also, I think you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Hopefully it's as delicious as the first.

1.13.2007

Unbelievable Cheese

There are two Weirdo's today, because both messages were so full of cheese that I had to run and get some wine to go along with it.

The subject of the first message was "you... and a life...". My initial thought was that he was going to comment on my being on MySpace or my Weirdo of the Week blog or something about how I need to get a life (which, I do, but I don't need some random person telling me that).

Imagine my suprise when I opened up the message to find a poem! Written just for me! By Hazem!


...life is a rose...
you are its nectar...

...life is a candle...
you are its light...

...life is a smile...
you are its hope...

...life is a morning...
you are its aurora...

...life is a tear...
you are its cure...

...life is a night...
you are its moon...

...life is a sky...
you are its stars...

...life is a life...
you are its breathe...

...life is a heaven...
you are its angel...

and a life to me , is mean you...
and i am yours...

by: hazem02@xxxxxx.com

By hazem02


Yes, he included the picture of Tinkerbell (or whoever that fairy is supposed to be) with the message. Illustrations AND words. It's like he's a real live poet. I honestly have no words to describe this poem. I think this is one of those times I'll let you all draw your own conclusions and thoughts from this poem.


The next message comes from Hassan.

hw r u?ur soo cute i like u,wanna chat wid u,so if ur intrested remsg me,and if ur not intrested also remsg me..hehehe
p.s: god was showing off when he creat u...and teasing me at the same time ;-p hehe.mwah


GOD, WHERE ARE THE VOWELS? And this is not in English. And that last line quite seriously made me want to reach through the computer screen and choke him. The photos he has up are also special. I think he thinks that he's a Dolce and Gabbana model in the making, and it's just a matter of time before he's called to New York to model the latest fashions at Fashion Week.

Dear Hassan, You are not that cute. MWAH!

1.07.2007

Love is in the Air

There's really not much to say about this one. I think Mahi has given me my first declaration of love though. I am confused by the subject line - he's the second person to "welcome" me to MySpace, despite the fact that I've been on it for the last four years.


Subject: Welcome

Dear Deena,

Very nice you eye. I love you, if you agree. please reply

Thanks
Mahi


This is almost as good as those notes that we used to pass in elementary school. "Do you like me? Check one: Y/N/Maybe".

12.28.2006

Good Morning Saudi!

Our final Weirdo of the year! What weirdo’s will 2007 bring?

In the eight weeks that Weirdo of the Week has been around, we’ve seen our fair share of weirdoes: The bad spellers, the ones who act like they know you, and the ones who comment on things like “Doodos”. But, surprisingly, I hadn’t yet come across Weirdo Type #5: The Over Confident, Aren’t I Charming and Gorgeous? Weirdo.

Enter Saleh. Saleh is from Saudi Arabia. Which makes half of what he says in his message to me even more weird and bizarre.

The subject: “hey... in a good mood here... this...”

Right.

The body:

Hey little Deena,

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

Talk soon,

Sal
alphamale_biker@xxxxxxxxx.com

RIGHT. Let’s break this message down.

Hey little Deena,

UH. “Little Deena”? Excuse me, I am not your child. You are 26 (supposedly, but your photos make you look about 36), and I’m 24, which makes me two years younger than you which still does not give you the right to call me “little Deena”.

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

You are from SAUDI ARABIA. You do not want your women “confedent”, smart or well educated. You want your women to be fertile, obedient and willing to take blows to the head from your shoe.

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

I feel like he’s describing himself here. Maybe he only divorced his 6th wife, though. And you probably work at Burger King, not McDonalds. Props to him for knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your”, but he gets negative points for forgetting the apostrophe.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

Breaking this down:

Good looking: No.
Muscular: If you call having no meat on your body “muscular”, then sure.
Funny: I actually laughed at his “About Me”, but it was more laughing at him than laughing with him.
Exciting: He lists “Making Money” as an interest. Unless you’re smuggling cocaine through the jungles of Colombia, I fail to see how this could be an exciting interest.
Adventurous: See above.
Cool: He writes poetry, guys. Check out one of his poems, as seen on his “About Me” section.

Petal by petal
Taking all the time in the world
I will build you with a slow fire
Stick by stick
And watch the color of your sunrise
I will play with the wind of you
Cover your body with smiles and games
Promises and fantasies
That disappear without a trace
I will stir your secret core
Witches brew of potions and incantations
And feel your folling
Floating
Simmering in my hand
I will slowly fill you up
Every crevice and curve
Watch Hear Smell Feel Taste you
Growing Full

That poem is so cool. I think I hurt something while I was laughing at this.

A real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with!: I took a poll and 10 out of 10 males do not want to be you.
My best trait is Im modest: Seriously, if I start quoting half the crap he says in this message and on his MySpace page, this entry will take about six years, but let’s just say this: Dude, you are not modest. Unless “modest” now means “I like to talk about how awesome I am to random people on the internet”. In which case, yes! You are awesome!

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that
Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

So he goes through this whole message and talks about how awesome and totally modest he is and how he wants a “smart woman”, and then basically suggests that I’m working at McDonalds? And… Dude. I can handle you, believe me. Especially when your favourite books are things like “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Oh, Saleh. You’re a great weirdo to round out the week with. Enjoy your time in Saudi Arabia; hopefully you’ll find that “smart confedent” woman you’re looking for – I hear they’re totally easy to find in a country where women aren’t allowed to think for themselves.

12.16.2006

Return of Sam

You guys!!

Guess who sent me another message? Sam! I think this brings him up to Message #5 now, which makes him the longest running Weirdo I've encountered on MySpace to date.

Hello ..

You know what .. You've really got a wonderful profile! nice pics too!! I dont know how to say this ... but let me try .. I know am stranger to you .. and u may refuse chatting a stranger , but if u think about when u first time u came to this world , when u had a first breath .. you were stranger to every one , but after a while u started to get know people .. some are a family other friends and enimies .. some you fall in love with them .. other u like .. and dislike.. ...
I also understand that most of the people they come to internet to fake each other because they are behind screen .. but I belive that these people would do the same in real life .. I think am not so lucky that I was not with you at school or maybe work.. but we people can meet through many way , internet is one of them .. I am telling u that cos you really gain my interests .. and I really would like to chat with you .. if u dont mind This is my MSN ID OneLastThing.79@***********.com add me please.

Thanks

He's so poetic, you guys. I mean, if I think about the first time I came into this world I WAS a stranger to everyone!

Except my parents. Who had been with me since I was conceived. And my family. Who were with my mom when she was pregnant, so they got to know me too. I realize this is a really weak rebuttal but the whole "you were a stranger to everyone when you were born" bullshit is almost too much to take.

Sam, you say I really "gain (your) interests". Here's a thought. What if you didn't gain mine? Someone give him a dollar, this man needs to buy a clue.

12.13.2006

Can You Hear The Drums, Denmark?

Something is rotten in the state of MySpace.

I'm trying to figure out if my Weirdos have figured out my sinister plot (which is for them to send me messages so I can pick the strangest ones and post them for all of you to enjoy. Except for Brendan, who apparently is against humour).

The reason for my fear is this. In one day, two of my featured Weirdos have messaged me. Both of them have sent me nearly the exact same message. The first one came from Joe. Everyone remembers Joe, right? He's the one who quoted that ridiculous Camus poem in the hopes of seeming charming and/or intellectual. Maybe both. No matter his intention, Joe apparently is on a mission to convince me to walk beside me and just be his friend, because I'm his lady and he'd love to know me.

Then, a few hours later, Ahmed sent me a message. Ahmed was the one who inexplicably put "tiger" in the subject line. And he was a cardiologist (or so he says) who was half "Egy" and half British, despite the fact that he barely has a grasp on the English language. Ahmed, like Joe, sent me nearly the exact same message he had sent before. Except, this time he added his email address (which is tiger_chan@xxxxxxxx.com. I was actually thrilled by this addition because I finally had some idea of where the whole tiger theme came from). It's almost as if he saw that I had read his message, realized I didn't respond and maybe got a little panicked, because – oh my god! – what if I wanted to email him but I didn't have his email address? What then?

I'm not going to lie, though. The fact that both of them sent me messages in the same day is a little unnerving. Is it just a coincidence? Or have my Weirdos become literate?

There's been other messages that have caused me to raise eyebrows. King sent me a messages. (His name reminded me of that Baby Sitters Club book where Stacey's former BFF from New York is dating a guy named King. As in "King of Hearts." I digress.)

King's message was short. Four words is all he needs, apparently:

hi
sweety
nice pics."

Sweety. He's one of about five guys who have called me sweety in the last few days.

Maybe it's just my paranoid mind. It more than likely is. Either way: MySpace creeps. Bring. It. On. I've received enough messages in the last few days to do MySpace Weirdo of the Week for the next two months. Be on the lookout for a bonus Weirdo later on this week.

12.06.2006

A flow of poetry

In my opinion, the greatest things about the messages I receive on MySpace is the fact that most of the people who send them are almost completely illiterate. Of course, some people probably have English as their second language, but others simply prefer using "u" instead of "you" and replace numbers with actual words, because they think they r a qt.

Subject: hi
Body: Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.--

and id love to know u my lady


I'll be honest. When I first opened up this message, I was impressed by the fact that this guy knew when to capitalize letters, and that he seemed literate. Then I read the terrible Albert Camus quote and the last line and realized that Joe was just like all the MySpace Weirdos before him.

I think what gets me the most about these guys is the familiarity they use. Hey. Guess what, Joe? You don't know me. I am not your lady. When you say "my lady", it's not endearing, it's not cute, and it does not warm my heart. Using a "cute" quote from Camus will not make you seem more attractive. And when I click on your profile and see who you'd like to meet I'm even more turned off (for those interested: girl love to have fun open mided free cute and sexy , love to go wild sometimes and over all stylish and know what to wear coz im a fashion fanner i konw how to but the colours together thats all my lady).

Look. I'm not an uber feminist. All I'm saying is to just use your brains instead of your penises every once in awhile. Not every woman on MySpace is out to find a man, not every woman out in the street is looking for someone to hit on them and for god's sake, if you really do want to ask a girl out, have some class. It's not just Joe, it's a culmination of all the weird and strange messages I (and I'm sure many other's) have received.

And, for the love of everyone, never use a Camus quote when trying to woo. That's just bizarre.

11.29.2006

A Weirdo in Eight Parts

Here’s the thing. When I started doing the Weirdo of the Week, I promised myself I wouldn’t post messages from guys who just couldn’t spell. Who was I to make fun of someone for barely being able to speak English when I myself can barely speak Arabic (and I have lived for 16 years in a county where Arabic is the language).

But, well. I couldn’t help myself with 38-year-old Ahmed.

Subject: tiger

Body: Hi,
How r u ?
Am a new friend,half egy and half british,a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease,living in kuwait.If u r interested to know me,it'll be a pleasure to recieve ur reply.
Have a nice day.
Ahmed


Part I: The Subject

“Tiger,” he says. When I clicked to open the message, I was fully expecting the actual message to have something to do with the subject line of “tiger”. Why did he put that in the subject? Am I the tiger? Is he the tiger? Is he a tiger in bed? Is he implying that he’s on the prowl? Seriously, Ahmed, I’m dying to know what you meant by this.

Part II: “Am a new friend.”

Ahmed, darling, you are NOT a new friend. I know you want to be my friend, but friendship is a two way street. It’s very presumptuous for you to just assume that we’re friends. That’s like me meeting Christian Bale one day, and walking up to him saying “Am new wife.”

Part III: Race

You’re half “egy” and half British. I have lived in the Middle East and have never once heard someone refer to themselves as “Egy”. Egyptian, sure. From Egypt, yep. “Egy”? No. That’s just stupid.

Part IV: Profession

“a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease”. Ahmed, I know what a cardiologist is, for one. For two, as a doctor, do you not know how to construct normal sentences? “a doctor(cardiologist)heart diseases” literally makes no sense at all. At least you knew how to spell your profession.

Part V: “If u r interested to know me”

Ahmed! I thought you announced that you were my friend? Why would you ask if I was interested to know you if you already said you were my friend? Come on, dear, get with the program.

Part VI: His Page

Go visit it, please. His “friend” Janice covers his page with sparkly, flashy MySpace images and tells him that “ANGELS SURROND YOU ALWAYS”. My favourite is her first comment:

THANK YOU FOR ADDING ME AND SO NICE TO MEET YOU. HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND. ANGELS TO WATCH OVER YOU AND ALWAYS KEEP YOU SAFE FROM ALL THAT IS BAD. WHAT A WONDERFUL FRIEND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TO ME. PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT IN YOUR LIFE. MUCH LUV ALWAYS JANICE

Janice. How can he have always been a wonderful friend if you say that it is “so nice to meet him.” Did you meet in another life? I hope you met in English class.

Part VII: The Whole Package.

For a doctor, who is half British, he certainly doesn’t have a grasp on English. Spaces after commas, Ahmed. I before E except after C, makes it “receive”. Fragments!! Stop the fragments!


Tiger, man. Tiger.

11.22.2006

Desperation doesn’t smell good on anyone.

That’s why some of my favourite weirdoes are the ones who just REEK of the stuff. You know the type. They’re the ones who consistently send you messages, asking why you aren’t responding to their witty repartee (though their version of witty repartee is something like “wOOOwwoOO! U r so sexxeeback. Letz chat?”).

I was lamenting to Anne earlier this week that I didn’t have a Weirdo of the Week yet, and that the messages had kind of tapered off. Was it something I had done or said? Did my profile need to be spiced up?

Then, Sam came into my life.

Sam is a special kind of Weirdo, the kind that sends you a message, then sends you another one wondering why you didn’t respond to his original one, then sends you yet another one still wondering and dropping hints that the two of you are soul mates and you really, really, really should send him a message so you can begin planning your life together.

Message #1 was sent at 1:07 p.m.:

Subject: Hey coolish!;)p

Body: Hey ..
You've got a wonderful profile! even the background color! it is really warm! ur pics are nice! I just wana tell u that u gain my interest , if u dont mind .. Lets chat through MSN

My… background colour is really warm? And wonderful? I actually like that he asks if I mind that I “gain his interst.” Why, yes, Sam, I do mind.


Message #2 was sent about ten minutes later, at 1:17 p.m.:

Subject: is that mean

Body: Is that mean we cant chat? It is just simple thing to do , am not asking for much .. chatting is good to discuss thoughs and share information , get to know people too!


See, the thing is, I’m not so much a fan of discussing “thoughs”. Nor am I a fan of sharing information. And I know enough people, thanks.

Sam, however, was persistent. Because he sent Message #3 six minutes later:

Subject: hmm

Body: We are both Online right now . this is my MSN ID OneLastThing.79@xxxxxx.com

dont be so lazy to not replay me .. ;)

Oh, Sam! You know me so well already! It’s because I’m lazy that I’m not “replay”ing you. If only I had the energy and motivation to respond to the One Last Thing, I’m sure we can share all of our thoughs and have little MySpace babies and live happily ever after.

Addendum: I had written up this blog a few days earlier, when I initially got those messages. Right before posting, I received yet another message from Our Friend Sam:

“Hello, I am not sure if you will ever see this msg or NO,
but you deserve a try! , I came here to Kuwait few month ago , and now I think am lacking everything , useful conversation , good friends and many things , so I thought that I may find nice people over here , I mean in this cyber Place, I understand that most of the people they use Internet to fake each others , but still for me Internet is a good technology has been created for us, where you can share your information and discuss ur thoughts and issue, also to get to know people and differenet culture.Your profile attracted me thats why I am sending you this msg , if you are interested it will be really nice if we start our first convesration through any Chat Programe , MSN or Yahoo Messenger
my ID is OneLastThing.79@xxxxxxx.com
and for yahoo SamQxxx

Thanks
Sam.”


OH, Sam. That almost made me feel sorry for you. But the stench of desperation made me look away in disgust.

11.20.2006

kuwaitairways777

Originally Posted Wednesday, November 15

Weirdos are everywhere. It's even scarier when they reveal to you that they work for one of the two major airlines in Kuwait, because, really, who are they allowing on board the planes these days?

Subject: SWEEEETY

"hi
nice to meeet u
i'm from kuwait
i'm working in kuwaitairways
kuwaitairways777@emailaddress.com
i'm steward in the airline

my name is jasem


i wait u email and u can send to me SMS XXXXXXX*"


First of all, what? "SWEEEETY"?

Second of all, do you love your job THAT much that you put company name in your personal email address? You didn't see me wandering around with an email address like "courtesymortgage4eva@gmail.com". That's just bizarre.

I wonder if I could get free tickets and airline miles if I wrote him back. I'm too afraid to take that risk.




* number deleted to protect the innocent.

Doodos

Originally Posted Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Men are pigs.

Not all men, of course. I have a handful of men on my "Men Are Not Pigs" list. But just about very male who randomly sends me a message on MySpace hoping for me to call them/IM them/have cyber sex with them is a pig.

Every once in awhile, however, I get a message that makes me not only want to shoot the sender, but I also feel compelled to share the message with the world. So I'm beginning a new feature: MySpace Pervert of the Week. Random men, if you're reading this, keep sending me messages. Maybe you'll be featured.

This week's MySpace Pervert of the Week is this gentleman:

"in black dress u r looking too hot and i like ur doodo is too big and nice shape i wana play with ur doodo plz i m in kuwait is posible any time i can com my id is princecoolc@xxxxx.com u can chat with me and decide to which place to come"

a) What is a "doodo"? Is that my breasts? What's wrong with the word "breast"?
b) Why on earth would you try to attract someone by telling them you want to "play with [their] doodo" and that it has "nice shape"?
c) My god, I think I just had an aneurysm.