Unsigned Contract Not Valid After 30 Days

I’ve had a lot of weird messages, but never before have I had someone propose that we discuss our future marriage and soulmate-ship. Then, Mr. Gentle came along.

Hiii Dear, I hope you are doing fine, if you like to be friends plsss keep in touch, you can add me to your [INSTANT MESSAGING PROGRAM] my email is: Mr_Gentle69@xx.com.. I'm looking to have a dating and have a serious relationship, if you are interested you can call me on my mobile to discuss : #######. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care have a nice day. Mr_Gentle

Seriously, I could not make this up if I tried.

How would a conversation like that go? Would there be policies? Guidelines? Would we negotiate how many children we’d have? Would we figure out if he would be okay with making more money than him (because, lets face it, if he is looking for a Serious Relationship via MySpace, he probably isn’t a catch)? Like, what is to discuss? DOWRY? Oh my god, does he want to BUY me? In that case, shouldn’t he be asking to speak to my father?
Can I just say how tempting it is to call him? What an awesome conversation that would be.

Me: Hi, I’m calling to speak to Mr. Gentle about the proposed dating and/or serious relationship.
Mr. Gentle: R U Hott?*
Me: Sure, why not?
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, do u kooc?
Me: Yes, but I can’t microwave for shit.
Mr. Gentle: Dats ok. Do u klean?
Me: No.
Mr. Gentle: Ohhh… big broblem.
Me: Not really, we can hire a maid.
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, good point. OK, lets date.
Me: Not so fast. I need a contract, in writing, regarding the terms and conditions and the guidelines for marriage including, but not limited to, what kind of BMW you will buy me, how many children we will have (that is to say, NONE), and how often you will be allowed to speak.
Mr. Gentle: (brain explodes from big words)


Also, what’s with the name? Mr. Gentle? Like… gentle HOW? As in, you don’t beat people up or as in you are sensitive and are one of those people that cried at Titanic (even though that was the dumbest movie ever and what REALLY needed to be done was Leo and Kate BOTH needed to be killed off by Billy Zane because they were really annoying)?


Hey, I do have to give him credit though. At least he’s upfront about what he wants. Too bad what HE wants is me, and what I want is for him to leave me alone.

* Because you KNOW he’d speak like that.

I Love My Dead Ex Wife

After a much needed hiatus (aka: I got a job and ran out of hours in the day), I'm back with a brand new Weirdo of the Week.

Meet Richard.

Hello Angel, You look so pretty just like an angel as well as a queen and i will like to get to know u as well, i'm Richard by name is just that i really love ur pic and have been looking for an honest lady like my ex dead wife who die in a car accident, since the day she had leave me alone i don't feel like having any other woman but now i realise that i really need to have a woman that i can share my feeling with like my ex wife(make soul rest in peace) And that was when a friend of mine introduce me to this site maybe i can be a lucky man. Now when i was browsing trough profile i saw urs then it took my attension i can't just your pic out of my face so i decide to send you this mail cos i really wanna get to know you better. pls i will be waiting for your reply Here is my address on [IM program]...u can add me up in your list....Richardwsd0071@xxxxx.com.

Time for the breakdown.
1. I look so pretty. Like an Angel. AND a Queen. It's like he bought the Big Book of Beautiful Clichés and decided to hit me with a double whammy, hoping I'd swoon from all the compliment.
2. He "will like to get to know [me] as well". As well as who? And he WILL like to get to know me? I hate people who can't speak English.
3. Richard by name, he says. What does that even mean? Does he have another name for his soul? Is he Richard by name, but he'd prefer to be represented by a symbol (like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince)?
3. I seriously can't go into the whole dead wife story without bursting into hysterical laughter. I mean, his wife died you guys! And then he couldn't handle it, until his friend introduced him to MySpace. And then he found me! The luckiest girl alive. I don't get it though – was this his dead WIFE? Or like, they got divorced and she abandoned him and then died and there doubly abandoned him? Either way, this isn't a Lifetime Movie of the Week, so please move along.
4. His default photo is the man that is supposedly him SHIRTLESS HOLDING A CHIHUAHUA. It's honestly like those posters that 18-year-olds buy their first week of college at the vendor fairs and hang on their dorm room wall, that they stare at every night hoping that they will meet a guy just like that, naked and holding a dog, in their biochemistry class.
I hope Richard (by name) can find someone wonderful on MySpace. If not, at least he has the dog.