Good Morning Saudi!

Our final Weirdo of the year! What weirdo’s will 2007 bring?

In the eight weeks that Weirdo of the Week has been around, we’ve seen our fair share of weirdoes: The bad spellers, the ones who act like they know you, and the ones who comment on things like “Doodos”. But, surprisingly, I hadn’t yet come across Weirdo Type #5: The Over Confident, Aren’t I Charming and Gorgeous? Weirdo.

Enter Saleh. Saleh is from Saudi Arabia. Which makes half of what he says in his message to me even more weird and bizarre.

The subject: “hey... in a good mood here... this...”

Right.

The body:

Hey little Deena,

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

Talk soon,

Sal
alphamale_biker@xxxxxxxxx.com

RIGHT. Let’s break this message down.

Hey little Deena,

UH. “Little Deena”? Excuse me, I am not your child. You are 26 (supposedly, but your photos make you look about 36), and I’m 24, which makes me two years younger than you which still does not give you the right to call me “little Deena”.

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

You are from SAUDI ARABIA. You do not want your women “confedent”, smart or well educated. You want your women to be fertile, obedient and willing to take blows to the head from your shoe.

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

I feel like he’s describing himself here. Maybe he only divorced his 6^th wife, though. And you probably work at Burger King, not McDonalds. Props to him for knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your”, but he gets negative points for forgetting the apostrophe.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

Breaking this down:

Good looking: No.
Muscular: If you call having no meat on your body “muscular”, then sure.
Funny: I actually laughed at his “About Me”, but it was more laughing at him than laughing with him.
Exciting: He lists “Making Money” as an interest. Unless you’re smuggling cocaine through the jungles of Colombia, I fail to see how this could be an exciting interest.
Adventurous: See above.
Cool: He writes poetry, guys. Check out one of his poems, as seen on his “About Me” section.

Petal by petal
Taking all the time in the world
I will build you with a slow fire
Stick by stick
And watch the color of your sunrise
I will play with the wind of you
Cover your body with smiles and games
Promises and fantasies
That disappear without a trace
I will stir your secret core
Witches brew of potions and incantations
And feel your folling
Floating
Simmering in my hand
I will slowly fill you up
Every crevice and curve
Watch Hear Smell Feel Taste you
Growing Full

That poem is so cool. I think I hurt something while I was laughing at this.

A real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with!: I took a poll and 10 out of 10 males do not want to be you.
My best trait is Im modest: Seriously, if I start quoting half the crap he says in this message and on his MySpace page, this entry will take about six years, but let’s just say this: Dude, you are not modest. Unless “modest” now means “I like to talk about how awesome I am to random people on the internet”. In which case, yes! You are awesome!

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that
Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

So he goes through this whole message and talks about how awesome and totally modest he is and how he wants a “smart woman”, and then basically suggests that I’m working at McDonalds? And… Dude. I can handle you, believe me. Especially when your favourite books are things like “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Oh, Saleh. You’re a great weirdo to round out the week with. Enjoy your time in Saudi Arabia; hopefully you’ll find that “smart confedent” woman you’re looking for – I hear they’re totally easy to find in a country where women aren’t allowed to think for themselves.

Return of Sam

You guys!!

Guess who sent me another message? Sam! I think this brings him up to Message #5 now, which makes him the longest running Weirdo I've encountered on MySpace to date.

Hello ..

You know what .. You've really got a wonderful profile! nice pics too!! I dont know how to say this ... but let me try .. I know am stranger to you .. and u may refuse chatting a stranger , but if u think about when u first time u came to this world , when u had a first breath .. you were stranger to every one , but after a while u started to get know people .. some are a family other friends and enimies .. some you fall in love with them .. other u like .. and dislike.. ...
I also understand that most of the people they come to internet to fake each other because they are behind screen .. but I belive that these people would do the same in real life .. I think am not so lucky that I was not with you at school or maybe work.. but we people can meet through many way , internet is one of them .. I am telling u that cos you really gain my interests .. and I really would like to chat with you .. if u dont mind This is my MSN ID OneLastThing.79@***********.com add me please.

Thanks

He's so poetic, you guys. I mean, if I think about the first time I came into this world I WAS a stranger to everyone!

Except my parents. Who had been with me since I was conceived. And my family. Who were with my mom when she was pregnant, so they got to know me too. I realize this is a really weak rebuttal but the whole "you were a stranger to everyone when you were born" bullshit is almost too much to take.

Sam, you say I really "gain (your) interests". Here's a thought. What if you didn't gain mine? Someone give him a dollar, this man needs to buy a clue.

Can You Hear The Drums, Denmark?

Something is rotten in the state of MySpace.

I'm trying to figure out if my Weirdos have figured out my sinister plot (which is for them to send me messages so I can pick the strangest ones and post them for all of you to enjoy. Except for Brendan, who apparently is against humour).

The reason for my fear is this. In one day, two of my featured Weirdos have messaged me. Both of them have sent me nearly the exact same message. The first one came from Joe. Everyone remembers Joe, right? He's the one who quoted that ridiculous Camus poem in the hopes of seeming charming and/or intellectual. Maybe both. No matter his intention, Joe apparently is on a mission to convince me to walk beside me and just be his friend, because I'm his lady and he'd love to know me.

Then, a few hours later, Ahmed sent me a message. Ahmed was the one who inexplicably put "tiger" in the subject line. And he was a cardiologist (or so he says) who was half "Egy" and half British, despite the fact that he barely has a grasp on the English language. Ahmed, like Joe, sent me nearly the exact same message he had sent before. Except, this time he added his email address (which is tiger_chan@xxxxxxxx.com. I was actually thrilled by this addition because I finally had some idea of where the whole tiger theme came from). It's almost as if he saw that I had read his message, realized I didn't respond and maybe got a little panicked, because – oh my god! – what if I wanted to email him but I didn't have his email address? What then?

I'm not going to lie, though. The fact that both of them sent me messages in the same day is a little unnerving. Is it just a coincidence? Or have my Weirdos become literate?

There's been other messages that have caused me to raise eyebrows. King sent me a messages. (His name reminded me of that Baby Sitters Club book where Stacey's former BFF from New York is dating a guy named King. As in "King of Hearts." I digress.)

King's message was short. Four words is all he needs, apparently:

hi
sweety
nice pics."

Sweety. He's one of about five guys who have called me sweety in the last few days.

Maybe it's just my paranoid mind. It more than likely is. Either way: MySpace creeps. Bring. It. On. I've received enough messages in the last few days to do MySpace Weirdo of the Week for the next two months. Be on the lookout for a bonus Weirdo later on this week.

A flow of poetry

In my opinion, the greatest things about the messages I receive on MySpace is the fact that most of the people who send them are almost completely illiterate. Of course, some people probably have English as their second language, but others simply prefer using "u" instead of "you" and replace numbers with actual words, because they think they r a qt.

Subject: hi
Body: Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.--

and id love to know u my lady

I'll be honest. When I first opened up this message, I was impressed by the fact that this guy knew when to capitalize letters, and that he seemed literate. Then I read the terrible Albert Camus quote and the last line and realized that Joe was just like all the MySpace Weirdos before him.

I think what gets me the most about these guys is the familiarity they use. Hey. Guess what, Joe? You don't know me. I am not your lady. When you say "my lady", it's not endearing, it's not cute, and it does not warm my heart. Using a "cute" quote from Camus will not make you seem more attractive. And when I click on your profile and see who you'd like to meet I'm even more turned off (for those interested: girl love to have fun open mided free cute and sexy , love to go wild sometimes and over all stylish and know what to wear coz im a fashion fanner i konw how to but the colours together thats all my lady).

Look. I'm not an uber feminist. All I'm saying is to just use your brains instead of your penises every once in awhile. Not every woman on MySpace is out to find a man, not every woman out in the street is looking for someone to hit on them and for god's sake, if you really do want to ask a girl out, have some class. It's not just Joe, it's a culmination of all the weird and strange messages I (and I'm sure many other's) have received.

And, for the love of everyone, never use a Camus quote when trying to woo. That's just bizarre.