4.16.2007

Unsigned Contract Not Valid After 30 Days

I’ve had a lot of weird messages, but never before have I had someone propose that we discuss our future marriage and soulmate-ship. Then, Mr. Gentle came along.

Hiii Dear, I hope you are doing fine, if you like to be friends plsss keep in touch, you can add me to your [INSTANT MESSAGING PROGRAM] my email is: Mr_Gentle69@xx.com.. I'm looking to have a dating and have a serious relationship, if you are interested you can call me on my mobile to discuss : #######. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care have a nice day. Mr_Gentle

Seriously, I could not make this up if I tried.

How would a conversation like that go? Would there be policies? Guidelines? Would we negotiate how many children we’d have? Would we figure out if he would be okay with making more money than him (because, lets face it, if he is looking for a Serious Relationship via MySpace, he probably isn’t a catch)? Like, what is to discuss? DOWRY? Oh my god, does he want to BUY me? In that case, shouldn’t he be asking to speak to my father?
Can I just say how tempting it is to call him? What an awesome conversation that would be.

Me: Hi, I’m calling to speak to Mr. Gentle about the proposed dating and/or serious relationship.
Mr. Gentle: R U Hott?*
Me: Sure, why not?
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, do u kooc?
Me: Yes, but I can’t microwave for shit.
Mr. Gentle: Dats ok. Do u klean?
Me: No.
Mr. Gentle: Ohhh… big broblem.
Me: Not really, we can hire a maid.
Mr. Gentle: LOLz, good point. OK, lets date.
Me: Not so fast. I need a contract, in writing, regarding the terms and conditions and the guidelines for marriage including, but not limited to, what kind of BMW you will buy me, how many children we will have (that is to say, NONE), and how often you will be allowed to speak.
Mr. Gentle: (brain explodes from big words)


Also, what’s with the name? Mr. Gentle? Like… gentle HOW? As in, you don’t beat people up or as in you are sensitive and are one of those people that cried at Titanic (even though that was the dumbest movie ever and what REALLY needed to be done was Leo and Kate BOTH needed to be killed off by Billy Zane because they were really annoying)?


Hey, I do have to give him credit though. At least he’s upfront about what he wants. Too bad what HE wants is me, and what I want is for him to leave me alone.


* Because you KNOW he’d speak like that.

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