Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson (Part One)

In early October, 2006 I spent a week in New York City, hanging out with Jessica and watching her drink away our cab money at various locations throughout the city. While there, we took a pedi-cab ride across town, and as we were precariously perched on the back of this rickety basket, our pedi-cab driver proceeded to ask Jessica if she had a savior. I, of course, found this hysterical. I had never been solicited by a crazy religious freak, and I always find it amusing when someone else is.

Rayyan is my MySpace version of Pedi-Cab "Do You Have A Savior" Driver.

It started somewhat innocently enough. I got a message from him three days ago, saying:

you are soo screwed.. and fake.

I don't usually respond to the weird messages I get, but every once in awhile I get a message that is just begging to be responded to. This was one of them. With Anne's helped, I drafted and sent a note back:

oh man, you got me.

i am fake. your message totally opened my eyes to this, and i've now realized the error of my ways.

the question: how do i fix this? lead me, oh great, real, authentic one. what must i do now? show me the way.

i am eagerly awaiting your guidance.

Today, Rayyan shared his wisdom with me.

Though, after reading the message, I realized that it wasn't so much wisdom as he was in dire need for a psychiatrist.

I am sent to you through a friend of yours....I am Christian and I am not asking you to become Christian. I assume that your Religion is Islam...I am asking you to return to Islam. My Priest at the Church I belong to had become Muslim years ago...you guys have a Beautiful religion. but you don't know the value of this religion. I want to tell you that you killed me with your kindness and I am sure that you know where the right way is. I want to become Muslim but I can't my family is very religious....If they know that they will not be happy and it is not a good thing to make them unhappy. I was looking at your profile and saw that you live a fake life..full of non sense things,,I don't mean to offend you..I was sent to you by someone who loves you.
I am a handsome man all girls say that I don't care about it...I dp care more about the inside... If you wanna see me I can add you. I hope you have a nice day Lady Deena..

Rayyan
Chicago

A few things:

a) When you assume, you make an ass out of "u" and "me". Except this time, you're making an ass out of yourself. Don't assume anything about my religion, thanks.

b) I "killed [you] with [my] kindness"? But then he later on goes to say that I live a very fake life. The mixed messages are kind of horrifying. I'm still trying to figure out how I killed him with my kindness. Did he think my message to him was sincere? I think I need a sarcasm icon.

c) I really just adore how this note goes from preaching to me about the wonders of religion to talking about how he's so handsome (all the girls say so!) and that he cares more about what's on the inside. Who cares?

d) His profile says he's from Washington State, yet he claims he's from Chicago. Maybe he's got a few different personalities.

I know it's probably stroking the Crazy Flames, but I did write him back:

Is the "someone who loves me" Jesus? Or is it Mohammad? It must be Jesus, he loves me more than I will know, according to the Beatles.

Also, I think you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Hopefully it's as delicious as the first.