Good Morning Saudi!

Our final Weirdo of the year! What weirdo’s will 2007 bring?

In the eight weeks that Weirdo of the Week has been around, we’ve seen our fair share of weirdoes: The bad spellers, the ones who act like they know you, and the ones who comment on things like “Doodos”. But, surprisingly, I hadn’t yet come across Weirdo Type #5: The Over Confident, Aren’t I Charming and Gorgeous? Weirdo.

Enter Saleh. Saleh is from Saudi Arabia. Which makes half of what he says in his message to me even more weird and bizarre.

The subject: “hey... in a good mood here... this...”

Right.

The body:

Hey little Deena,

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

Talk soon,

Sal
alphamale_biker@xxxxxxxxx.com

RIGHT. Let’s break this message down.

Hey little Deena,

UH. “Little Deena”? Excuse me, I am not your child. You are 26 (supposedly, but your photos make you look about 36), and I’m 24, which makes me two years younger than you which still does not give you the right to call me “little Deena”.

I am hoping that you are confedent, smart, well educated and know what you want. yeah and not needy...

You are from SAUDI ARABIA. You do not want your women “confedent”, smart or well educated. You want your women to be fertile, obedient and willing to take blows to the head from your shoe.

Anyway, youve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from losers who are freshly divorced from their 8th wife, have 5 bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly-hairy back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Either that, or youre being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a twenty year old.

I feel like he’s describing himself here. Maybe he only divorced his 6^th wife, though. And you probably work at Burger King, not McDonalds. Props to him for knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your”, but he gets negative points for forgetting the apostrophe.

Well, Im not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but Im good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is Im modest. ..

Breaking this down:

Good looking: No.
Muscular: If you call having no meat on your body “muscular”, then sure.
Funny: I actually laughed at his “About Me”, but it was more laughing at him than laughing with him.
Exciting: He lists “Making Money” as an interest. Unless you’re smuggling cocaine through the jungles of Colombia, I fail to see how this could be an exciting interest.
Adventurous: See above.
Cool: He writes poetry, guys. Check out one of his poems, as seen on his “About Me” section.

Petal by petal
Taking all the time in the world
I will build you with a slow fire
Stick by stick
And watch the color of your sunrise
I will play with the wind of you
Cover your body with smiles and games
Promises and fantasies
That disappear without a trace
I will stir your secret core
Witches brew of potions and incantations
And feel your folling
Floating
Simmering in my hand
I will slowly fill you up
Every crevice and curve
Watch Hear Smell Feel Taste you
Growing Full

That poem is so cool. I think I hurt something while I was laughing at this.

A real mans man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with!: I took a poll and 10 out of 10 males do not want to be you.
My best trait is Im modest: Seriously, if I start quoting half the crap he says in this message and on his MySpace page, this entry will take about six years, but let’s just say this: Dude, you are not modest. Unless “modest” now means “I like to talk about how awesome I am to random people on the internet”. In which case, yes! You are awesome!

So if youre looking to further your career at McDonalds, or think that
Liver Spots are really, really hot, then Im not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

So he goes through this whole message and talks about how awesome and totally modest he is and how he wants a “smart woman”, and then basically suggests that I’m working at McDonalds? And… Dude. I can handle you, believe me. Especially when your favourite books are things like “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Oh, Saleh. You’re a great weirdo to round out the week with. Enjoy your time in Saudi Arabia; hopefully you’ll find that “smart confedent” woman you’re looking for – I hear they’re totally easy to find in a country where women aren’t allowed to think for themselves.

Return of Sam

You guys!!

Guess who sent me another message? Sam! I think this brings him up to Message #5 now, which makes him the longest running Weirdo I've encountered on MySpace to date.

Hello ..

You know what .. You've really got a wonderful profile! nice pics too!! I dont know how to say this ... but let me try .. I know am stranger to you .. and u may refuse chatting a stranger , but if u think about when u first time u came to this world , when u had a first breath .. you were stranger to every one , but after a while u started to get know people .. some are a family other friends and enimies .. some you fall in love with them .. other u like .. and dislike.. ...
I also understand that most of the people they come to internet to fake each other because they are behind screen .. but I belive that these people would do the same in real life .. I think am not so lucky that I was not with you at school or maybe work.. but we people can meet through many way , internet is one of them .. I am telling u that cos you really gain my interests .. and I really would like to chat with you .. if u dont mind This is my MSN ID OneLastThing.79@***********.com add me please.

Thanks

He's so poetic, you guys. I mean, if I think about the first time I came into this world I WAS a stranger to everyone!

Except my parents. Who had been with me since I was conceived. And my family. Who were with my mom when she was pregnant, so they got to know me too. I realize this is a really weak rebuttal but the whole "you were a stranger to everyone when you were born" bullshit is almost too much to take.

Sam, you say I really "gain (your) interests". Here's a thought. What if you didn't gain mine? Someone give him a dollar, this man needs to buy a clue.

Can You Hear The Drums, Denmark?

Something is rotten in the state of MySpace.

I'm trying to figure out if my Weirdos have figured out my sinister plot (which is for them to send me messages so I can pick the strangest ones and post them for all of you to enjoy. Except for Brendan, who apparently is against humour).

The reason for my fear is this. In one day, two of my featured Weirdos have messaged me. Both of them have sent me nearly the exact same message. The first one came from Joe. Everyone remembers Joe, right? He's the one who quoted that ridiculous Camus poem in the hopes of seeming charming and/or intellectual. Maybe both. No matter his intention, Joe apparently is on a mission to convince me to walk beside me and just be his friend, because I'm his lady and he'd love to know me.

Then, a few hours later, Ahmed sent me a message. Ahmed was the one who inexplicably put "tiger" in the subject line. And he was a cardiologist (or so he says) who was half "Egy" and half British, despite the fact that he barely has a grasp on the English language. Ahmed, like Joe, sent me nearly the exact same message he had sent before. Except, this time he added his email address (which is tiger_chan@xxxxxxxx.com. I was actually thrilled by this addition because I finally had some idea of where the whole tiger theme came from). It's almost as if he saw that I had read his message, realized I didn't respond and maybe got a little panicked, because – oh my god! – what if I wanted to email him but I didn't have his email address? What then?

I'm not going to lie, though. The fact that both of them sent me messages in the same day is a little unnerving. Is it just a coincidence? Or have my Weirdos become literate?

There's been other messages that have caused me to raise eyebrows. King sent me a messages. (His name reminded me of that Baby Sitters Club book where Stacey's former BFF from New York is dating a guy named King. As in "King of Hearts." I digress.)

King's message was short. Four words is all he needs, apparently:

hi
sweety
nice pics."

Sweety. He's one of about five guys who have called me sweety in the last few days.

Maybe it's just my paranoid mind. It more than likely is. Either way: MySpace creeps. Bring. It. On. I've received enough messages in the last few days to do MySpace Weirdo of the Week for the next two months. Be on the lookout for a bonus Weirdo later on this week.

A flow of poetry

In my opinion, the greatest things about the messages I receive on MySpace is the fact that most of the people who send them are almost completely illiterate. Of course, some people probably have English as their second language, but others simply prefer using "u" instead of "you" and replace numbers with actual words, because they think they r a qt.

Subject: hi
Body: Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.--

and id love to know u my lady

I'll be honest. When I first opened up this message, I was impressed by the fact that this guy knew when to capitalize letters, and that he seemed literate. Then I read the terrible Albert Camus quote and the last line and realized that Joe was just like all the MySpace Weirdos before him.

I think what gets me the most about these guys is the familiarity they use. Hey. Guess what, Joe? You don't know me. I am not your lady. When you say "my lady", it's not endearing, it's not cute, and it does not warm my heart. Using a "cute" quote from Camus will not make you seem more attractive. And when I click on your profile and see who you'd like to meet I'm even more turned off (for those interested: girl love to have fun open mided free cute and sexy , love to go wild sometimes and over all stylish and know what to wear coz im a fashion fanner i konw how to but the colours together thats all my lady).

Look. I'm not an uber feminist. All I'm saying is to just use your brains instead of your penises every once in awhile. Not every woman on MySpace is out to find a man, not every woman out in the street is looking for someone to hit on them and for god's sake, if you really do want to ask a girl out, have some class. It's not just Joe, it's a culmination of all the weird and strange messages I (and I'm sure many other's) have received.

And, for the love of everyone, never use a Camus quote when trying to woo. That's just bizarre.

A Weirdo in Eight Parts

Here’s the thing. When I started doing the Weirdo of the Week, I promised myself I wouldn’t post messages from guys who just couldn’t spell. Who was I to make fun of someone for barely being able to speak English when I myself can barely speak Arabic (and I have lived for 16 years in a county where Arabic is the language).

But, well. I couldn’t help myself with 38-year-old Ahmed.

Subject: tiger

Body: Hi,
How r u ?
Am a new friend,half egy and half british,a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease,living in kuwait.If u r interested to know me,it'll be a pleasure to recieve ur reply.
Have a nice day.
Ahmed

Part I: The Subject

“Tiger,” he says. When I clicked to open the message, I was fully expecting the actual message to have something to do with the subject line of “tiger”. Why did he put that in the subject? Am I the tiger? Is he the tiger? Is he a tiger in bed? Is he implying that he’s on the prowl? Seriously, Ahmed, I’m dying to know what you meant by this.

Part II: “Am a new friend.”

Ahmed, darling, you are NOT a new friend. I know you want to be my friend, but friendship is a two way street. It’s very presumptuous for you to just assume that we’re friends. That’s like me meeting Christian Bale one day, and walking up to him saying “Am new wife.”

Part III: Race

You’re half “egy” and half British. I have lived in the Middle East and have never once heard someone refer to themselves as “Egy”. Egyptian, sure. From Egypt, yep. “Egy”? No. That’s just stupid.

Part IV: Profession

“a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease”. Ahmed, I know what a cardiologist is, for one. For two, as a doctor, do you not know how to construct normal sentences? “a doctor(cardiologist)heart diseases” literally makes no sense at all. At least you knew how to spell your profession.

Part V: “If u r interested to know me”

Ahmed! I thought you announced that you were my friend? Why would you ask if I was interested to know you if you already said you were my friend? Come on, dear, get with the program.

Part VI: His Page

Go visit it, please. His “friend” Janice covers his page with sparkly, flashy MySpace images and tells him that “ANGELS SURROND YOU ALWAYS”. My favourite is her first comment:

THANK YOU FOR ADDING ME AND SO NICE TO MEET YOU. HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND. ANGELS TO WATCH OVER YOU AND ALWAYS KEEP YOU SAFE FROM ALL THAT IS BAD. WHAT A WONDERFUL FRIEND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TO ME. PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT IN YOUR LIFE. MUCH LUV ALWAYS JANICE

Janice. How can he have always been a wonderful friend if you say that it is “so nice to meet him.” Did you meet in another life? I hope you met in English class.

Part VII: The Whole Package.

For a doctor, who is half British, he certainly doesn’t have a grasp on English. Spaces after commas, Ahmed. I before E except after C, makes it “receive”. Fragments!! Stop the fragments!

Tiger, man. Tiger.

Desperation doesn’t smell good on anyone.

That’s why some of my favourite weirdoes are the ones who just REEK of the stuff. You know the type. They’re the ones who consistently send you messages, asking why you aren’t responding to their witty repartee (though their version of witty repartee is something like “wOOOwwoOO! U r so sexxeeback. Letz chat?”).

I was lamenting to Anne earlier this week that I didn’t have a Weirdo of the Week yet, and that the messages had kind of tapered off. Was it something I had done or said? Did my profile need to be spiced up?

Then, Sam came into my life.

Sam is a special kind of Weirdo, the kind that sends you a message, then sends you another one wondering why you didn’t respond to his original one, then sends you yet another one still wondering and dropping hints that the two of you are soul mates and you really, really, really should send him a message so you can begin planning your life together.

Message #1 was sent at 1:07 p.m.:

Subject: Hey coolish!;)p

Body: Hey ..
You've got a wonderful profile! even the background color! it is really warm! ur pics are nice! I just wana tell u that u gain my interest , if u dont mind .. Lets chat through MSN

My… background colour is really warm? And wonderful? I actually like that he asks if I mind that I “gain his interst.” Why, yes, Sam, I do mind.

Message #2 was sent about ten minutes later, at 1:17 p.m.:

Subject: is that mean

Body: Is that mean we cant chat? It is just simple thing to do , am not asking for much .. chatting is good to discuss thoughs and share information , get to know people too!

See, the thing is, I’m not so much a fan of discussing “thoughs”. Nor am I a fan of sharing information. And I know enough people, thanks.

Sam, however, was persistent. Because he sent Message #3 six minutes later:

Subject: hmm

Body: We are both Online right now . this is my MSN ID OneLastThing.79@xxxxxx.com

dont be so lazy to not replay me .. ;)

Oh, Sam! You know me so well already! It’s because I’m lazy that I’m not “replay”ing you. If only I had the energy and motivation to respond to the One Last Thing, I’m sure we can share all of our thoughs and have little MySpace babies and live happily ever after.

Addendum: I had written up this blog a few days earlier, when I initially got those messages. Right before posting, I received yet another message from Our Friend Sam:

“Hello, I am not sure if you will ever see this msg or NO,
but you deserve a try! , I came here to Kuwait few month ago , and now I think am lacking everything , useful conversation , good friends and many things , so I thought that I may find nice people over here , I mean in this cyber Place, I understand that most of the people they use Internet to fake each others , but still for me Internet is a good technology has been created for us, where you can share your information and discuss ur thoughts and issue, also to get to know people and differenet culture.Your profile attracted me thats why I am sending you this msg , if you are interested it will be really nice if we start our first convesration through any Chat Programe , MSN or Yahoo Messenger
my ID is OneLastThing.79@xxxxxxx.com
and for yahoo SamQxxx

Thanks
Sam.”

OH, Sam. That almost made me feel sorry for you. But the stench of desperation made me look away in disgust.

kuwaitairways777

Originally Posted Wednesday, November 15

Weirdos are everywhere. It's even scarier when they reveal to you that they work for one of the two major airlines in Kuwait, because, really, who are they allowing on board the planes these days?

Subject: SWEEEETY

"hi
nice to meeet u
i'm from kuwait
i'm working in kuwaitairways
kuwaitairways777@emailaddress.com
i'm steward in the airline

my name is jasem


i wait u email and u can send to me SMS XXXXXXX*"


First of all, what? "SWEEEETY"?

Second of all, do you love your job THAT much that you put company name in your personal email address? You didn't see me wandering around with an email address like "courtesymortgage4eva@gmail.com". That's just bizarre.

I wonder if I could get free tickets and airline miles if I wrote him back. I'm too afraid to take that risk.




* number deleted to protect the innocent.

Doodos

Originally Posted Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Men are pigs.

Not all men, of course. I have a handful of men on my "Men Are Not Pigs" list. But just about very male who randomly sends me a message on MySpace hoping for me to call them/IM them/have cyber sex with them is a pig.

Every once in awhile, however, I get a message that makes me not only want to shoot the sender, but I also feel compelled to share the message with the world. So I'm beginning a new feature: MySpace Pervert of the Week. Random men, if you're reading this, keep sending me messages. Maybe you'll be featured.

This week's MySpace Pervert of the Week is this gentleman:

"in black dress u r looking too hot and i like ur doodo is too big and nice shape i wana play with ur doodo plz i m in kuwait is posible any time i can com my id is princecoolc@xxxxx.com u can chat with me and decide to which place to come"

a) What is a "doodo"? Is that my breasts? What's wrong with the word "breast"?
b) Why on earth would you try to attract someone by telling them you want to "play with [their] doodo" and that it has "nice shape"?
c) My god, I think I just had an aneurysm.

what's this all about?

I fully admit it: I'm a sucker for those social networking sites. I'm a member of MySpace, Facebook, hi5 (which, really, is just a terrible, terrible site), and the now-pretty-much-defunct Friendster (I don't even remember my log-in for that, which makes me a little sad).

If you're female and a member of any of those sites, you'll know that because you are a female and a member, you're just gagging for creepy perverts to send you messages. I'm no exception. I'm not claiming that I'm Hot Stuff, I'm just saying that because I have breasts, it seems that the general mentality of the majority of male members on these sites is that they're welcome to send me messages asking me everything from my phone number to if they can play with my "doodos" (true story).

So I started blogging about it. I began blogging on MySpace, posting the strange messages I get. But then the other day, I got a message on hi5. I wondered if I could cross over, posting about that on MySpace, but it just felt dirty somehow. As if I was stomping on the sacred Holy Ground that is MySpace.

That's why I'm on blogger.

If you have any weird messages that you've received and you want to see featured here, send them my way: weirdooftheweek@gmail.com