A Weirdo in Eight Parts

Here’s the thing. When I started doing the Weirdo of the Week, I promised myself I wouldn’t post messages from guys who just couldn’t spell. Who was I to make fun of someone for barely being able to speak English when I myself can barely speak Arabic (and I have lived for 16 years in a county where Arabic is the language).

But, well. I couldn’t help myself with 38-year-old Ahmed.

Subject: tiger

Body: Hi,
How r u ?
Am a new friend,half egy and half british,a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease,living in kuwait.If u r interested to know me,it'll be a pleasure to recieve ur reply.
Have a nice day.
Ahmed

Part I: The Subject

“Tiger,” he says. When I clicked to open the message, I was fully expecting the actual message to have something to do with the subject line of “tiger”. Why did he put that in the subject? Am I the tiger? Is he the tiger? Is he a tiger in bed? Is he implying that he’s on the prowl? Seriously, Ahmed, I’m dying to know what you meant by this.

Part II: “Am a new friend.”

Ahmed, darling, you are NOT a new friend. I know you want to be my friend, but friendship is a two way street. It’s very presumptuous for you to just assume that we’re friends. That’s like me meeting Christian Bale one day, and walking up to him saying “Am new wife.”

Part III: Race

You’re half “egy” and half British. I have lived in the Middle East and have never once heard someone refer to themselves as “Egy”. Egyptian, sure. From Egypt, yep. “Egy”? No. That’s just stupid.

Part IV: Profession

“a doctor(cardiologist)heart disease”. Ahmed, I know what a cardiologist is, for one. For two, as a doctor, do you not know how to construct normal sentences? “a doctor(cardiologist)heart diseases” literally makes no sense at all. At least you knew how to spell your profession.

Part V: “If u r interested to know me”

Ahmed! I thought you announced that you were my friend? Why would you ask if I was interested to know you if you already said you were my friend? Come on, dear, get with the program.

Part VI: His Page

Go visit it, please. His “friend” Janice covers his page with sparkly, flashy MySpace images and tells him that “ANGELS SURROND YOU ALWAYS”. My favourite is her first comment:

THANK YOU FOR ADDING ME AND SO NICE TO MEET YOU. HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND. ANGELS TO WATCH OVER YOU AND ALWAYS KEEP YOU SAFE FROM ALL THAT IS BAD. WHAT A WONDERFUL FRIEND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TO ME. PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT IN YOUR LIFE. MUCH LUV ALWAYS JANICE

Janice. How can he have always been a wonderful friend if you say that it is “so nice to meet him.” Did you meet in another life? I hope you met in English class.

Part VII: The Whole Package.

For a doctor, who is half British, he certainly doesn’t have a grasp on English. Spaces after commas, Ahmed. I before E except after C, makes it “receive”. Fragments!! Stop the fragments!

Tiger, man. Tiger.