Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson (Part One)

In early October, 2006 I spent a week in New York City, hanging out with Jessica and watching her drink away our cab money at various locations throughout the city. While there, we took a pedi-cab ride across town, and as we were precariously perched on the back of this rickety basket, our pedi-cab driver proceeded to ask Jessica if she had a savior. I, of course, found this hysterical. I had never been solicited by a crazy religious freak, and I always find it amusing when someone else is.

Rayyan is my MySpace version of Pedi-Cab "Do You Have A Savior" Driver.

It started somewhat innocently enough. I got a message from him three days ago, saying:

you are soo screwed.. and fake.

I don't usually respond to the weird messages I get, but every once in awhile I get a message that is just begging to be responded to. This was one of them. With Anne's helped, I drafted and sent a note back:

oh man, you got me.

i am fake. your message totally opened my eyes to this, and i've now realized the error of my ways.

the question: how do i fix this? lead me, oh great, real, authentic one. what must i do now? show me the way.

i am eagerly awaiting your guidance.

Today, Rayyan shared his wisdom with me.

Though, after reading the message, I realized that it wasn't so much wisdom as he was in dire need for a psychiatrist.

I am sent to you through a friend of yours....I am Christian and I am not asking you to become Christian. I assume that your Religion is Islam...I am asking you to return to Islam. My Priest at the Church I belong to had become Muslim years ago...you guys have a Beautiful religion. but you don't know the value of this religion. I want to tell you that you killed me with your kindness and I am sure that you know where the right way is. I want to become Muslim but I can't my family is very religious....If they know that they will not be happy and it is not a good thing to make them unhappy. I was looking at your profile and saw that you live a fake life..full of non sense things,,I don't mean to offend you..I was sent to you by someone who loves you.
I am a handsome man all girls say that I don't care about it...I dp care more about the inside... If you wanna see me I can add you. I hope you have a nice day Lady Deena..

Rayyan
Chicago

A few things:

a) When you assume, you make an ass out of "u" and "me". Except this time, you're making an ass out of yourself. Don't assume anything about my religion, thanks.

b) I "killed [you] with [my] kindness"? But then he later on goes to say that I live a very fake life. The mixed messages are kind of horrifying. I'm still trying to figure out how I killed him with my kindness. Did he think my message to him was sincere? I think I need a sarcasm icon.

c) I really just adore how this note goes from preaching to me about the wonders of religion to talking about how he's so handsome (all the girls say so!) and that he cares more about what's on the inside. Who cares?

d) His profile says he's from Washington State, yet he claims he's from Chicago. Maybe he's got a few different personalities.

I know it's probably stroking the Crazy Flames, but I did write him back:

Is the "someone who loves me" Jesus? Or is it Mohammad? It must be Jesus, he loves me more than I will know, according to the Beatles.

Also, I think you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Hopefully it's as delicious as the first.

Unbelievable Cheese

There are two Weirdo's today, because both messages were so full of cheese that I had to run and get some wine to go along with it.

The subject of the first message was "you... and a life...". My initial thought was that he was going to comment on my being on MySpace or my Weirdo of the Week blog or something about how I need to get a life (which, I do, but I don't need some random person telling me that).

Imagine my suprise when I opened up the message to find a poem! Written just for me! By Hazem!

...life is a rose...
you are its nectar...

...life is a candle...
you are its light...

...life is a smile...
you are its hope...

...life is a morning...
you are its aurora...

...life is a tear...
you are its cure...

...life is a night...
you are its moon...

...life is a sky...
you are its stars...

...life is a life...
you are its breathe...

...life is a heaven...
you are its angel...

and a life to me , is mean you...
and i am yours...

by: hazem02@xxxxxx.com

By hazem02

Yes, he included the picture of Tinkerbell (or whoever that fairy is supposed to be) with the message. Illustrations AND words. It's like he's a real live poet. I honestly have no words to describe this poem. I think this is one of those times I'll let you all draw your own conclusions and thoughts from this poem.


The next message comes from Hassan.

hw r u?ur soo cute i like u,wanna chat wid u,so if ur intrested remsg me,and if ur not intrested also remsg me..hehehe
p.s: god was showing off when he creat u...and teasing me at the same time ;-p hehe.mwah


GOD, WHERE ARE THE VOWELS? And this is not in English. And that last line quite seriously made me want to reach through the computer screen and choke him. The photos he has up are also special. I think he thinks that he's a Dolce and Gabbana model in the making, and it's just a matter of time before he's called to New York to model the latest fashions at Fashion Week.

Dear Hassan, You are not that cute. MWAH!

Love is in the Air

There's really not much to say about this one. I think Mahi has given me my first declaration of love though. I am confused by the subject line - he's the second person to "welcome" me to MySpace, despite the fact that I've been on it for the last four years.


Subject: Welcome

Dear Deena,

Very nice you eye. I love you, if you agree. please reply

Thanks
Mahi

This is almost as good as those notes that we used to pass in elementary school. "Do you like me? Check one: Y/N/Maybe".